The Duo, by Gold

As has become painfully obvious in the handful of entries we have written thus far, Ivy and I are... shall we say... apprehensive about Next Year, when we are unleashed upon the real world, or perhaps more accurately, the real world is unleashed upon us. More poignant still is our fear of the cubicles and spreadsheets the real world may hold for us. This summer, while I was off in a far away land, doing research and holding on desperately to the last remaining shreds of my liberal arts education, Ivy was in a Big City, temporarily exploring the world of power suits and board rooms. I checked my e-mail in a little internet cafe next to the strip club below our apartment (class was temporarily put on hold at selected moments this summer, but let me explain- research grants only go so far, particularly if one's own funds are intended exclusively for the purchase of items fabulously on sale), and Ivy checked hers within the felt-padded walls of her cube. I received this e-mail from her just as a more structured life started to seem appealing. Evidently the grass is always greener, but this e-mail is a reminder that the greenish tones emitted by fluorescent lighting do NOT qualify, in fact, as actually better-kept grass. This is strictly an illusion.



Let me level with you. I have no passion for consulting. I think it’s a load of crap if you ask me. You have a bunch of undergraduate snobs from Ivy League universities telling large corporations what they know already. How often do they actually follow the advice you give? Umm, I’ll go with never. I want to go into consulting for the following reasons. 1. I have severe ADHD. I hate being on one project for an extended period of time. 2. I embarrass myself frequently. I like the idea of switching teams every few months or so. 3. I want to make money, expense everything, and travel. I believe I am better than this for my career. Ultimately, I want to end up teaching at a business school or owning my own business. Ultimately, I want to end up on the style pages. I am far too glamorous for an office job.

But for now, consulting will suffice. I have been educated at an elite university, and I have four years of education loans which need to be paid off. I have to help pay for my sister’s education. Oh, and I really, really like to shop. I am a full fledged addict. You can’t afford that on a publishing or a starting- your- own- business salary. I might as well apply. So you see, I don’t apply out of enthusiasm but out of necessity. But enough of that. Let me write what you are expecting to hear.

Dear whomever,

It is with utmost enthusiasm that I submit my resume for consideration for the “business analyst/eager learner/whatever bs name you give those at the bottom of the totem pole.” As I gained knowledge about [insert firm’s name here] through the information session on campus and by speaking with Sally Stodgy and Franky Fugly at [Firm’s Name’s] information session on campus, my interest in becoming a dreary suit-wearing, bs-ing, boring consultant was piqued. I will graduate in May from Big Shot U with a Bachelor of Arts in XXX.

You may be thinking that my major and concentration have nothing to do with consulting. Oh my goodness, you’re right! But let me just state that I never do work, so don’t worry. It’s not like I’ve been taught to think the wrong way. I haven’t been taught at all. All I’ve gotten is a sense of entitlement which comes from bumping elbows with people who think they are better looking, more glamorous, and more stylish than movie stars. News flash: we are. We’re too smart to ever go out for Hollywood. They’re all white trash there.

Anyway, back to the point. I do have internships which can be stretched to relate to whatever gauzy job description you have posted. But why bother? You can read my resume just fine. You can read English, can’t you? Oh wait, you’re probably one of those ambiguously illiterate yet brilliant at number crunching Asians. And basically, all anyone really does at an internship anyway is bitch work. And, oh yeah, write faux- enthusiastic cover letters about all the incredible stuff they should be accomplishing. I deserve this job because, well, I’m awesome. I’d probably be the most stylish person at your office. And your clients need some eye candy, don’t they? I’ll make you sad bunch look good.

I don’t think I’d really enjoy talking with you that much but if it will get me a job for two years, I will. I bet this cover letter was a million times better than all the ass-kissing ones you’ve got to read now.